Dear Divas,

I am going to a beach wedding this summer and I’ve been searching for a light, airy dress to wear for weeks.  Since white is very in style right now, I see it everywhere–and I love it.  I can’t seem to find a dress I like that ISN’T white.  So, my question is:  Is it OK if I wear white to the wedding?  What if it’s a sun dress style–not remotely bridal? What about primarily white with accent colors? Help!

Wondering About White

Dear Wondering About White:

Ahhh, the age-old question:  Can you wear white to a wedding?  My first instinct is to say no.  The bride has spent months planning her wedding, choosing a dress, and ensuring that she will sparkle and shine on her wedding day.  To detract any attention from her seems mildly disrespectful, both to her feelings and the time she spent planning the wedding.  Particularly in the case of a beach wedding, many dresses tend to be more casual, so a sundress may not look that drastically different from the wedding dress.  However, I do feel there are exceptions to this rule.  A dress that is white with accent colors most likely will not resemble a wedding gown, and therefore is ok to wear.  Use your best judgement and take the person getting married, the style of wedding and your personal style in to account–is the bride the type that wants all eyes on her?  Could the dress you’re considering double for a wedding gown?  Do you have other options available to you that would still fit your style?  If  you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are good you should not be wearing white.

In general I would err on the side of caution–this is someone you care about getting married–although white might be in style, you don’t want to wear it and risk the feelings of a friend.   There are plenty of other colors that are “in style”–have you considered gray?  Very stylish and subtle.  I remember a woman at my wedding wearing a white evening gown.  Although she wouldn’t have been mistaken for the bride, it still irked me slightly.  It seemed thoughtless, almost as though she gave no thought to the type of event she was attending–and I’m not even the type that would care that much!  As the old saying goes, better safe than sorry!   Good luck!

Dear Divas,

A friend of mine from college recently got engaged.  I was invited to her wedding, but because I live out of state, I’m unable to attend.  I still want to send her a gift, however, we haven’t been close for a while.  What is the appropriate amount to spend if I’m not attending the wedding and haven’t maintained a close relationships with this girl?  On the same note, what is the appropriate amount to spend if I AM attending a wedding (with a date) of a close friend?  Help!

Gift Gal

Dear Gift Gal,

What a great question!  I think this is something that almost every person has to deal with at one time or another.  Especially in these tough times, digging deep in the pockets for a wedding gift can be rough.  Therefore, it helps to know what proper etiquette states is the correct amount to spend.

Happily, the truth is that you should spend what you can afford.  There is no sense in breaking the bank if you truly can’t afford it . A gift is just that–a gift–and the bride and groom will appreciate anything you can afford to give them.  If you do want some sort of gauge, though, the rule of thumb is to try to spend as much as you think your meal would cost.  If it’s a buffet, a safe guess is around $40-$50 a person.  If it’s a served meal, I’d guess closer to $75-$100 a person.  Again, it’s okay to adjust these numbers to fit YOUR budget!

If you’re not attending the wedding but want to send a gift anyway, any amount really works.  A small token of your congratulations is welcome at any amount.  I tend to spend around $50, however, if they’re close friends I’ll spend more, if they’re more distant, I might even spend less.  You’ll be appreciated for being a thoughtful person in spite of your inability to attend the wedding.

Happy gifting!

Dear Divas,

We are getting married at the end of 2009.  Since more than half of our guests are coming from out of town – some as far away as Australia, we want to make sure we have some time to spend with them before and after the wedding.  The other half of our guests are primarily local family and friends.  After inviting all of the people you care about to the wedding, is it okay to only plan pre- and post-wedding events for a select group of people?  Is it okay to exclude some and invite others?

Baffled Bride

Dear Baffled Bride,

When it comes to weddings with a large amount of out of town guests, it is completely normal to have pre- and post-wedding activities to entertain them while they’re in town.  It’s also fine to to invite only certain people to these activities, as long as you have defined guidelines for who those people are.  For example, it is totally acceptable to invite only out of town guests to your events, and to leave the local people out.  This is done regularly for weddings and most guests will completely understand that your goal is to entertain the people who do not live there and have to stay in hotels, pay for travel, etc.

If, however, you decide to invite some local people and some not, you may end up hurting feelings or causing resentment between guests.  Since your wedding is meant to be a celebration of a joyful time, this is definitely not something you’ll want to do!  Just make sure that your events either include everyone, just out of towners, just bridal party, etc.  If you decide you want some local people, etiquette states there really is no choice but to invite them all.  You may also want to mix events; for example, have one event that includes everyone and then have a collection of smaller events only for your out of town guests.  This way, everyone will feel included in something!

Good luck!