One of the often-ignored topics in wedding planning is how to treat your vendors the day of the wedding, namely your DJ, Band, Wedding Planner, Photographer, Videographer or anyone that is present throughout the day of the event.  Although these people may not be on your guest list, it’s often common courtesy to at least assume they’ll want to eat a meal.  It’s something to think about as you make your guest list and submit your final head count for food.  You’ll also want to consider where the vendors will eat.  Will you have a table set aside for them that is part of the guest floor plan?  Will you have a table in a separate, private room?  Chances are good they’re only going to take a short break to eat, so choose accordingly.

There is one exception: when it comes to the officiant of your wedding, you should always count him/her and their significant other as an invited guest.  Send them an invitation like you would to any of your other guests. They’re the only vendor allowed to even go near the bar as well!  You definitely don’t want a drunk photographer taking your wedding photos.

Personally, I spoke to each of my vendors individually about their preferences.  I offered them the opportunity for one of the menu items and a seating arrangement.  In the end, all of my vendors preferred having a sandwich/condiments/hour d’oeuvres tray that they could quickly grab a bite from in a private section of the reception hall.  Whatever you choose, know that they’re all bound to be appreciative of your thoughtfulness (and maybe even do an extra-excellent job!).  Happy planning!

Dear Divas,

How much should parents get involved?  We wanted a small, intimate wedding with a soft-spoken, garden-y theme at our quaint local church.  Halfway through preparations, my parents begin to constantly “suggest” inviting a huge number of their friends, more than all of the other invitations combined.  They say it will be perfect if we can change the location to a big modern bright blue/yellow building in order to fit them all in.  (note that this clashes with the muted colors of our theme).  When explained to (politely) that it’s our wedding, not theirs, they say we ought to be more grateful for the effort they have spent helping us and that they have a right to invite “as many people as possible.”  We are paying for the wedding, but they have said they will give us some financial support over and above our budget.  This brings it to about 1.5x of what our wedding budget actually is, however we haven’t used any of this yet.  They’re very nice and I don’t want to be a bridezilla, but what can I say?

Sincerely,

On Edge

Dear On Edge,

The guest list is always a very harrowing part of the wedding planning.  While you have a certain number in mind, your parents may have a completely different idea of what your wedding “should” look like.  Since you are footing the bill for the wedding, I definitely think what you want gets priority.  However, I always like to focus on compromise when wedding planning, and this situation is no exception.

First of all, you need to set a limit on the number of guests you want.  Make it clear to your parents that you have already chosen your venue, and they they allow X amount of people.  In addition, set your budget and stick to it–although their contribution may be tempting, it is probably best to shy away from it in this situation so that they cannot hold the money over your head in the future.  Once you have these numbers, allocate a certain portion of the guest list to your parents–they are allowed to use that number to invite whomever they please, but may not top that number.  This is fair on all counts–you are getting your dream wedding while also allowing your parents to have some free reign over “their” guest list. You may also want to try to include them in other small decisions so that they are still a part of the planning without changing the entire look and feel of the wedding.

Ultimately, there were probably be some conflict over this, but as I’ve seen many times before, once the day arrives, everyone will be so happy they will forget all about it.  Stick to your guns in as nice a way as possible.  Good luck!

Exes pose an interesting problem for engaged couples. When a person remains close friends with exes and asks to invite them to the ceremony, his or her future spouse might be prone to feelings of jealousy (which could cause extra, unneeded tension during the wedding planning process). Some argue that exes should be summarily excluded from your wedding no matter what the circumstances, while others contend that you should be allowed to invite all of your close friends regardless of your romantic history with them.

I personally have an ex-boyfriend who is so well integrated into my social circle, I don’t even think of him as a former flame anymore. I think it would be silly to leave him off the guest list, but I’m not so sure my future husband would feel the same way. What do you think? Would you ever invite an ex to your wedding? Under what circumstances? And, if your future spouse invited an ex, would it make you want to rant or rave?