Dear Divas,

My aunt is throwing me a bridal shower in a couple of weeks.  We’ve already sent out all the invitations and even received some responses.  Because a few of those were regrets, we now have room on the guest list to invite more people.  Is it ok if I send an invite now, even though the shower is only 2 weeks away and it might be obvious that they weren’t on our first draft guest list?  These people aren’t necessarily expecting an invitation, and might even be surprised to be invited, but I’d love to have them there.  Help!

Better Late than Never?

Dear Better Late than Never,

This can be a tricky situation, and might end up being more trouble than it’s worth.

To start, you’ll have to look at each late invitee on a case by case basis.  For example, if you were to invite someone who already knew other people that were invited to the shower in the original round, it might be very obvious that they were a late invite.  It could appear more offensive to be a B-list guest as opposed to not being invited at all.  On the other hand, if you’re inviting someone who has no ties to already-invited guests, the risk of them finding out they are a B-lister is very small.  They will probably just be pleased to receive an invitation!

You’ll also need to take the amount of time between invitation and party in to consideration.  If your shower is only 2 weeks away, your guests probably won’t receive the invitations for a few days.  That’s less than 2 weeks–pretty short notice for an invitation to any party.  That in itself could give away their B-list status.  It’s also fairly inconsiderate to guests who already have busy schedules and will have to find gifts, babysitters and more to make sure they’re ready for the party.

As you can see, sometimes adding to the guest list on short notice is more trouble than it’s worth.  If these people weren’t important enough to include from the start, chances are good you probably shouldn’t complicate things by adding them later.  Having a B-list is ok as long as there is ample time to invite them and chances are slim they’ll find out they’re second best!  When planning the wedding, having a B-list is very common because invitations are sent 6-8 weeks prior to the event, however your shower is on a short timeline.

Whatever you decide, good luck and happy planning!

Dear Divas,

I am having an intimate wedding (~40 guests). The guests will include family members and the bridal party. My two bridesmaids are interested in planning a bridal shower for me. I have thought of having close friends who are not invited to the wedding to the shower. I DO NOT want gifts from the shower guests. I would, however, like guests to have the option to contribute quotes, antidotes, words of wisdom, etc. during the shower.   Is it proper etiquette to invite friends to the shower who are not invited to the ceremony, even when gifts are not solicited?

Warmly,

Giftless Girl

Dear Giftless Girl,

It is totally understandable to want to keep your wedding guest list down but still be able to celebrate with everyone that is close to you.  However, regardless of whether you are asking for gifts or not, it is not proper etiquette to invite people to your wedding shower that aren’t invited to the wedding.  Regardless of your intention, it will  set the expectation that they will be invited to the wedding.  When they don’t receive an invitation, it may result in hurt feelings or people feeling offended.  Although you may request no gifts, it is doubtful that everyone will comply.  Many people actually want to buy gifts to help you start your new life.  So, although you may request it, there is no guarantee that they won’t bring gifts.

The best thing to do in this situation is to either broaden the guest list of your wedding to include everyone and cut back on other things to save money, or narrow your shower list down.  Perhaps you can think of an alternate way to celebrate with all the people that you care about.  A small house-warming party or second, casual reception after your actual wedding might be your best bet.  You can have something during the day that is low-key and low-cost! You can also choose to have an intimate ceremony with your immediate families only, and then have a larger reception afterward with everyone that you want to celebrate with.

One of the drawbacks to having an intimate wedding is that you ultimately do have to leave people out.  There is no in-between in these situations.  In the end, you either have to choose to have the intimate wedding you’ve dreamed of or have everyone you care about present.  Best of luck and congratulations on your wedding!

Dear Divas,

My fiance and I have been together for 5 years.  About 2 years in to our relationship, we moved in together.  Since then, we’ve invested in a lot of personal items together, from furniture to kitchen tools, dishes to bedding.  Our wedding is coming up and it’s getting close to the time when we would normally register.  Because we’ve already been living together for so long, there is very little that we need for our home.  We believe in having nice things so we’ve already bought the best knives, dishes, bedding, etc.  What we really need is cash, as we are saving for a new house and for our honeymoon.  Is it ok to list cash gifts on a shower invitation or wedding website?  Is there any way for us to ask for cash without sounding crass?

Show Me the Money

Dear Show Me the Money,

Your desire to receive cash as a wedding gift as opposed to anything physical is completely understandable.  Most newlyweds not only need “stuff” to start their new life together, but they also need a place to live and funds to travel!  While it is definitely inappropriate to list “Cash gifts” on any sort of invitation or website, there are ways that you can get the word out that you’d prefer cash gifts.

Most etiquette experts consider it tasteless to flat-out ask for cash.  Instead, they suggest getting the word out to the people closest to you (like your parents, in-laws, bridesmaids and aunts, uncles and grandparents) whom guests are likely to ask for gift recommendations from.  These people can subtly spread the word about your wish for cash.

Another option is to look in to a variety of online gift registries.  There are an abundance of different wedding registries, from mortgage registries to cash registries.  Check out GoGift for an easy-to-use cash registry, Feather Our Nest for a Mortgage registry,  and a variety of different honeymoon registries, most of which will mail you a check at the close of your registry to use as you please.  The Ultimate Gift Registry is a great all-in-one registry that allows you to register for anything from honeymoons to home goods.  They also have a soon-to-be-added cash registry option.

Remember, even if you register at a store, you can often return items for cash–Bed, Bath and Beyond and Crate & Barrel are just a few that do this.  Check each store’s return policy before you register.  Who knows, you might discover there are still some items you’d like for your home.  Good luck!