I am having a destination wedding on a beach in the tropics, and I’m trying to find some bridesmaid dresses that will make all 6 of my girls happy.  We’ve been looking for months and I’m starting to get frustrated.  I want them all to be happy with the dresses, so I’ve let them send out options on their own.  We’ve been looking at “real” bridesmaid dresses, but I prefer to get dresses from a department store so that they can be worn again.  The problem is, no one ever agrees on anything!  Three girls will love the dress, 2 will be ok with it, and one will hate it.  I don’t want to force them to wear something that any of them will hate, so until now I’ve avoided making a final decision.  However, we’re getting down to the wire and we need to find something soon.  I could just pick a dress but I fear that they’ll be upset since I made it clear that they had free reign over dress selection.  How do I keep everyone happy and still get the dresses bought?

Dress Disaster

Dear Dress Disaster,

First of all, it’s very sweet of you to try so hard to find a dress that will perfectly fit each of your bridesmaid’s likes and dislikes.  However, as you’ve seen, it’s nearly impossible to find one dress that will match 6–actually, 7 (you have to like it too!)–individual tastes.  Women come in all different shapes and sizes and style preferences are even more varied.

At this point in the game, you just need a decision made.  It’s ok to bring some kind of order to the madness that is the dress selection.  Instead of letting your bridesmaids have free reign to throw dress suggestions out at their whim, why not select a list of 10 dresses that you love.  Email all of your ‘maids and ask them to vote on their top three.  At the end of the day, you’ll have a dress that not only you are sure to like, but that the majority of your maids will like too.  You can even ask them to list their three least favorite dresses–maybe it will help you to avoid selecting one that any of them will “hate”.

Another option is to go with a “real” bridesmaid dress (although I know you were trying to avoid that).  The upside is that you can have the dresses all made in the same fabric but in different styles.  That way, each girl will be wearing something that flatters her own body shape.
Finally, be sure to check out J. Crew’s bridesmaid line.  These chic dresses are perfect for weddings but can easily double as an any-occassion dress.  Good luck!

a

I am going to a beach wedding this summer and I’ve been searching for a light, airy dress to wear for weeks.  Since white is very in style right now, I see it everywhere–and I love it.  I can’t seem to find a dress I like that ISN’T white.  So, my question is:  Is it OK if I wear white to the wedding?  What if it’s a sun dress style–not remotely bridal? What about primarily white with accent colors? Help!

Wondering About White

Dear Wondering About White:

Ahhh, the age-old question:  Can you wear white to a wedding?  My first instinct is to say no.  The bride has spent months planning her wedding, choosing a dress, and ensuring that she will sparkle and shine on her wedding day.  To detract any attention from her seems mildly disrespectful, both to her feelings and the time she spent planning the wedding.  Particularly in the case of a beach wedding, many dresses tend to be more casual, so a sundress may not look that drastically different from the wedding dress.  However, I do feel there are exceptions to this rule.  A dress that is white with accent colors most likely will not resemble a wedding gown, and therefore is ok to wear.  Use your best judgement and take the person getting married, the style of wedding and your personal style in to account–is the bride the type that wants all eyes on her?  Could the dress you’re considering double for a wedding gown?  Do you have other options available to you that would still fit your style?  If  you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are good you should not be wearing white.

In general I would err on the side of caution–this is someone you care about getting married–although white might be in style, you don’t want to wear it and risk the feelings of a friend.   There are plenty of other colors that are “in style”–have you considered gray?  Very stylish and subtle.  I remember a woman at my wedding wearing a white evening gown.  Although she wouldn’t have been mistaken for the bride, it still irked me slightly.  It seemed thoughtless, almost as though she gave no thought to the type of event she was attending–and I’m not even the type that would care that much!  As the old saying goes, better safe than sorry!   Good luck!

a

I have a unique problem; I hate cake!  I know that having a wedding cake is an age-old tradition, but it seems silly to spend so much on something I won’t even enjoy eating!  On the flip side, my fiance loves cake, so he, of course, wants to have one.  Would it be strange to have two types of “cakes” (perhaps a traditional wedding cake and a tower of cream puffs), or perhaps no cake at all?  I love dessert and want it to be part of my wedding day, but I also don’t want to have so much dessert that it ends up being a waste.  Help!

Dessert Diva

Dear Dessert Diva,

I’m pretty sure you’re not the first bride on earth who doesn’t like cake.  Although having (and cutting) a wedding cake is a very traditional part of the wedding, it doesn’t mean you have to have it at your wedding.  Because your wedding is just that:  yours.  The real twist in this question is that unlike you, your fiance loves cake.

The best thing here, like most situations where there are disagreements, is to compromise.  There’s nothing wrong with having two “cakes” or desserts with which you can perform the cutting ceremony.  Just make sure to downsize when you order–two small cakes instead of one large one!  It’s nice to give people a choice, plus, you’ll get to perform the cake cutting twice!

You can also have a small, traditional wedding cake for your cake-cutting ceremony and then offer an additional dessert of your choosing that will either be served to guests or put out on the dessert table.  That way, you can have your cake and eat it too!  Good luck!

a

My aunt is throwing me a bridal shower in a couple of weeks.  We’ve already sent out all the invitations and even received some responses.  Because a few of those were regrets, we now have room on the guest list to invite more people.  Is it ok if I send an invite now, even though the shower is only 2 weeks away and it might be obvious that they weren’t on our first draft guest list?  These people aren’t necessarily expecting an invitation, and might even be surprised to be invited, but I’d love to have them there.  Help!

Better Late than Never?

Dear Better Late than Never,

This can be a tricky situation, and might end up being more trouble than it’s worth.

To start, you’ll have to look at each late invitee on a case by case basis.  For example, if you were to invite someone who already knew other people that were invited to the shower in the original round, it might be very obvious that they were a late invite.  It could appear more offensive to be a B-list guest as opposed to not being invited at all.  On the other hand, if you’re inviting someone who has no ties to already-invited guests, the risk of them finding out they are a B-lister is very small.  They will probably just be pleased to receive an invitation!

You’ll also need to take the amount of time between invitation and party in to consideration.  If your shower is only 2 weeks away, your guests probably won’t receive the invitations for a few days.  That’s less than 2 weeks–pretty short notice for an invitation to any party.  That in itself could give away their B-list status.  It’s also fairly inconsiderate to guests who already have busy schedules and will have to find gifts, babysitters and more to make sure they’re ready for the party.

As you can see, sometimes adding to the guest list on short notice is more trouble than it’s worth.  If these people weren’t important enough to include from the start, chances are good you probably shouldn’t complicate things by adding them later.  Having a B-list is ok as long as there is ample time to invite them and chances are slim they’ll find out they’re second best!  When planning the wedding, having a B-list is very common because invitations are sent 6-8 weeks prior to the event, however your shower is on a short timeline.

Whatever you decide, good luck and happy planning!

a

I am having an intimate wedding (~40 guests). The guests will include family members and the bridal party. My two bridesmaids are interested in planning a bridal shower for me. I have thought of having close friends who are not invited to the wedding to the shower. I DO NOT want gifts from the shower guests. I would, however, like guests to have the option to contribute quotes, antidotes, words of wisdom, etc. during the shower.   Is it proper etiquette to invite friends to the shower who are not invited to the ceremony, even when gifts are not solicited?

Warmly,

Giftless Girl

Dear Giftless Girl,

It is totally understandable to want to keep your wedding guest list down but still be able to celebrate with everyone that is close to you.  However, regardless of whether you are asking for gifts or not, it is not proper etiquette to invite people to your wedding shower that aren’t invited to the wedding.  Regardless of your intention, it will  set the expectation that they will be invited to the wedding.  When they don’t receive an invitation, it may result in hurt feelings or people feeling offended.  Although you may request no gifts, it is doubtful that everyone will comply.  Many people actually want to buy gifts to help you start your new life.  So, although you may request it, there is no guarantee that they won’t bring gifts.

The best thing to do in this situation is to either broaden the guest list of your wedding to include everyone and cut back on other things to save money, or narrow your shower list down.  Perhaps you can think of an alternate way to celebrate with all the people that you care about.  A small house-warming party or second, casual reception after your actual wedding might be your best bet.  You can have something during the day that is low-key and low-cost! You can also choose to have an intimate ceremony with your immediate families only, and then have a larger reception afterward with everyone that you want to celebrate with.

One of the drawbacks to having an intimate wedding is that you ultimately do have to leave people out.  There is no in-between in these situations.  In the end, you either have to choose to have the intimate wedding you’ve dreamed of or have everyone you care about present.  Best of luck and congratulations on your wedding!

a

My fiance and I have been together for 5 years.  About 2 years in to our relationship, we moved in together.  Since then, we’ve invested in a lot of personal items together, from furniture to kitchen tools, dishes to bedding.  Our wedding is coming up and it’s getting close to the time when we would normally register.  Because we’ve already been living together for so long, there is very little that we need for our home.  We believe in having nice things so we’ve already bought the best knives, dishes, bedding, etc.  What we really need is cash, as we are saving for a new house and for our honeymoon.  Is it ok to list cash gifts on a shower invitation or wedding website?  Is there any way for us to ask for cash without sounding crass?

Show Me the Money

Dear Show Me the Money,

Your desire to receive cash as a wedding gift as opposed to anything physical is completely understandable.  Most newlyweds not only need “stuff” to start their new life together, but they also need a place to live and funds to travel!  While it is definitely inappropriate to list “Cash gifts” on any sort of invitation or website, there are ways that you can get the word out that you’d prefer cash gifts.

Most etiquette experts consider it tasteless to flat-out ask for cash.  Instead, they suggest getting the word out to the people closest to you (like your parents, in-laws, bridesmaids and aunts, uncles and grandparents) whom guests are likely to ask for gift recommendations from.  These people can subtly spread the word about your wish for cash.

Another option is to look in to a variety of online gift registries.  There are an abundance of different wedding registries, from mortgage registries to cash registries.  Check out GoGift for an easy-to-use cash registry, Feather Our Nest for a Mortgage registry,  and a variety of different honeymoon registries, most of which will mail you a check at the close of your registry to use as you please.  The Ultimate Gift Registry is a great all-in-one registry that allows you to register for anything from honeymoons to home goods.  They also have a soon-to-be-added cash registry option.

Remember, even if you register at a store, you can often return items for cash–Bed, Bath and Beyond and Crate & Barrel are just a few that do this.  Check each store’s return policy before you register.  Who knows, you might discover there are still some items you’d like for your home.  Good luck!

a

I am getting ready to buy my invitations.  I’ve been doing a ton of research online and I’ve pieced together a loose outline of what I want my invitations to say.  Before I get them printed, though, I wanted to make sure that my wording followed standard invitation etiquette.  Are there any phrases or words I should avoid?  What should I do to make sure my invitations are worded correctly?

Wordy Wedding Planner

Dear Wordy Wedding Planner,

This is a great question, and you’ve come to the right place–after all, we are the Wedding Paper Divas!  Before I go in to details, be sure to check out the new Etiquette Tool available when you are ordering wedding invitations from Wedding Paper Divas.  This tool will make it easy for any bride or groom to word their invitations.  Simply input specific details like names, places, and times and we will generate the perfect wording for your invitation!

Aside from the etiquette tool, there are certain things you should definitely avoid when writing your own wording.  You mentioned that you searched online to piece together an outline of your wording–be careful!  Gathering wording from different sources often does not flow well when pieced together.  Levels of formality can change from sample to sample and you can end up with an invitation that changes tone throughout.

Also, try to avoid the use of confusing or vague pronouns, or changing the voice throughout your invitation.  (i.e. “We invite you to our wedding” or “Their wedding will be on…”).  Make sure that the people getting married are mentioned by name.  Only use “We” or “Us” if you are the hosts and you are having a more casual wedding.

Finally, use wording that makes it clear who is hosting the wedding.  Never say something like “Come join us for the marriage of celebration of John & Jill”. Who is us?  The bride and groom?  The parents of the bride?

As you can see from these tips, it’s important to maintain the voice and level of formailty throughout your wording and to make the hosts clear.  For more tips, check out our Wedding Invitation Etiquette Page, and happy planning!

a

I have a small dilemma.  My fiance has 8 guys he wants to be in our wedding.  He is pretty set on this number and it would be bad to cut anyone out.  I, on the other hand, either have to have 5 people or go up to 9 – there is no in between as I would end up hurting some feelings if I left anyone out or only added one or two more girls.  As it stands right now, it’s looking like we’re going to have a really uneven bridal party, with 8 on his side and 5 or 9 on mine!  I know it’s silly, but this really bothers me.  Is it ok to have an uneven bridal party?  How will they walk down the aisle?

Concerned Bride

Dear Concerned Bride,

These days, it’s very common to step outside the lines of tradition (and symmetry!) and have a different number of people standing up on each side at the wedding.  There is no harm in it and no etiquette rules that argue against lopsided bridal parties.  It’s entirely up to the bride and groom to do what they want, as long as it doesn’t come at the cost of making someone feel uncomfortable in the processional, recessional, dances, etc.

There are a lot of ways to avoid making anyone feel out of place.  They are as follows:

Ceremony Processional/Recessional

• Either have everyone walk separately down the aisle, or have the men walk in pairs (2 men to every bridesmaid and then the best man and maid of honor together). You can also have the groom’s party already at the alter when the ceremony starts–this is very common.

Reception

• For introductions, introduce each person one by one instead of having them walk in pairs
• For the dances, you have a few options.  Have each member of the bridal party dance with their date or have them do some sort of group dance.  You can also fore go the dance all together and do a toast in honor of your bridal party instead!

Just remember:  Your bridal party is there to support you and be at your side through the planning process.   Adding or removing people for the sake of numbers is unnecessary.   These people are closest to you and you should make sure to have all of those special people at your side, no matter the numbers!

If you’re still feeling uncomfortable, check out this amazing tool from David’s Bridal.  You can virtually visualize your bridal party!  It’s like seeing the future!

a

My wedding is coming up in two short weeks and someone just told me that I am expected to tip all of my vendors…including the band and the baker that’s making our cake!  I’m already paying so much for each vendor, the expense of having to tip them in addition to everything else really hurts my budget.  So, do I really have to tip them? If so, how much?!  And which vendors?!  Please help, this is all news to me!

Busted Budgeter

Dear Busted Budgeter,

First off, remember:  to receive a tip is a privilege, not a right.  Regardless, it is a pretty regular practice to tip your vendors on the day of the wedding.  There are certain vendors where a tip is more expected than others, including the hair stylist/makeup artist, officiant of your ceremony, delivery and setup staff, reception staff, and the person in charge of transportation (such as a limo or bus driver).  For all the other vendors, a tip is optional, however, if they do a great job or go above and beyond, the right thing to do would be to give them a tip.

Tips don’t have to be astronomically large.  Also, remember:  if your vendor owns the company, you do not have to give them a tip.  If they are an employee of a company, it’s nice to give them a tip.  Use the list below as a guideline:

*Please note:  Tips should not exceed $150 in any case except for the officiant.  For example, let’s say your limo was $2500.  10% of $2500 is $250–well over the $150 limit.  Therefore, you’d only give them $150.

Banquet or Catering Manager:$50-100, but this is not common.

Bartenders:  10% of your total liquor bill, divided between all bartenders.

Ceremony Musician: $15-20 per person

DJ/Band:  $20-25 per musician, $50-$150 for DJs

Florist:  $10-20 per staff member for delivery and setup.

Limo/Bus Driver: 10-15%

Makeup Artist/Hairstylist:  15%

Officiant:  If you paid to use a church or synagogue and they are associated with it, $100-200.  If you did not, a donation of $500+ is normal.  If it is a non-denominational officiant, $50-$100 if they are already charging you for their services.

Photographers: Do not tip if they own the company.  If they don’t, $50 per photographer.

Valet Parking Attendants:  $0.50 to $1.00 per car.

Wait Staff:  15% of the total catering bill (make sure it’s not already included!)

Wedding Cake Baker: $10 for delivery, if you’re there at the time of delivery only.

Wedding Coordinator: $50

Wedding Planner:  If they helped plan the wedding from start to finish, 10% of total bill.

Remember to tip all of your vendors in cash.  To save time and confusion, assign someone that is helping with your wedding to be in charge of tips at the end of the night.  Prior to the wedding day, divide all of your tips in cash in to envelopes and label them.  This way, you won’t get confused about what goes to who.  You can always adjust your tips later if you think someone deserves more or less than what you originally decided on.  Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

a

I am getting married in September.  My fiance and I have been together for 5 years, and we know and get along with each others families extremely well.  I know that it is tradition for the bride’s family to pay for the wedding, however, both of us were hoping for a more nontraditional setup.  My fiance’s parents are very wealthy and helped out my fiance’s brother when he get married.  However, they are refusing to contribute anything to our wedding besides paying for the limos.  They do not give any reason for this, they just don’t want to help pay.  I feel like it may be because they think my parents are also extremely wealthy, but we really aren’t!  I know this is a touchy subject, but it seems unfair and has caused a lot of fights between my fiance and I.  We’d like this wedding to be a joint effort, not a one-sided drain on my parent’s bank account.  Help!

Broke Bride

Dear Broke Bride,

Money issues are often one of the biggest sources of frustration during wedding planning.  The sad truth is, you cannot force anyone to pay for something they don’t want to pay for.  Although you haven’t been able to get a reason out of your fiance’s parents about why they refuse to help, it really is not required that you receive one.  The truth is, you asked, they refused, and that should probably end the argument.  You may have to adjust your budget to better fit what your parents can afford.  And, perhaps you can take a look at your finances and contribute your own part to the wedding.

In the long run, you will see that it won’t matter who spent what and how much your wedding cost.  This event is about celebrating the love and commitment you and your future husband have for one another.  Just because someone is wealthy does not mean they are obligated to give you money.

Try to make this event less about the money and instead come up with creative ways to make your wedding unique and amazing without breaking the bank.  Who knows; maybe once your fiance’s family sees how careful you are being about money, they’ll be willing to contribute more.  In the meantime, express your gratitude and thanks for what they ARE contributing, no matter how small.  Your kindness may just rub off on them!

a