Dear Divas,

A friend of mine from college recently got engaged.  I was invited to her wedding, but because I live out of state, I’m unable to attend.  I still want to send her a gift, however, we haven’t been close for a while.  What is the appropriate amount to spend if I’m not attending the wedding and haven’t maintained a close relationships with this girl?  On the same note, what is the appropriate amount to spend if I AM attending a wedding (with a date) of a close friend?  Help!

Gift Gal

Dear Gift Gal,

What a great question!  I think this is something that almost every person has to deal with at one time or another.  Especially in these tough times, digging deep in the pockets for a wedding gift can be rough.  Therefore, it helps to know what proper etiquette states is the correct amount to spend.

Happily, the truth is that you should spend what you can afford.  There is no sense in breaking the bank if you truly can’t afford it . A gift is just that–a gift–and the bride and groom will appreciate anything you can afford to give them.  If you do want some sort of gauge, though, the rule of thumb is to try to spend as much as you think your meal would cost.  If it’s a buffet, a safe guess is around $40-$50 a person.  If it’s a served meal, I’d guess closer to $75-$100 a person.  Again, it’s okay to adjust these numbers to fit YOUR budget!

If you’re not attending the wedding but want to send a gift anyway, any amount really works.  A small token of your congratulations is welcome at any amount.  I tend to spend around $50, however, if they’re close friends I’ll spend more, if they’re more distant, I might even spend less.  You’ll be appreciated for being a thoughtful person in spite of your inability to attend the wedding.

Happy gifting!

Dear Divas,

I’m getting ready to send out my (beautiful!) Wedding Paper Divas invitations to my guest list.  I’m addressing my own envelopes and I’ve run in to some questions along the way.  Of them, the two that I’ve been unable to find answers for are these: When inviting an unmarried couple that lives together, how do I address the envelope?  What about an unmarried couple that doesn’t live together but is in a serious relationship?  Do they each get their own invite or one sent to one of them but addressed to both?  So confusing, help!

Confused Calligrapher

Dear Confused Calligrapher,

What a great question!  This is so common and can be very confusing, so don’t feel badly about it.  To address (ha! no pun intended!) your first question, when inviting an unmarried couple that lives together, address the envelope just as you would a married couple with different last names: alphabetically, on separate lines on the outer envelope.  So, it would look like this:

Ms. Janine Myers
Mr. Richard Stevenson

Your inner envelope would be slightly different, with both names on one line, as you see here:

Ms. Myers and Mr. Stevenson

If you are not doing an inner envelope, you’d only follow the instructions for the outer envelope, with both names on their own line.

In regards to your second question, if you are sending an invitation to an unmarried couple that live in separate households, try to find out both of their names, even if you don’t personally know them both.  It’s nice to send an invitation to both addresses if you can, with each addressed to the singular person on the outer envelope, and then addressed to both (as in the above example) on the inner envelope.  However, if you don’t know both addresses, it’s also acceptable to send an invite to one of them with both of their names on it, each on their own line, as in the above example.  Alternatively, if you can’t find the name of someone’s significant other, it’s okay to simply address the invitation in this manner:

Mr. John Doe and Guest

You can use these tips to fit your wedding style and formailty level.  And remember, you can always contact the Wedding Paper Divas customer service team with any of your invitation etiquette questions!

Dear Divas,

We are getting married at the end of 2009.  Since more than half of our guests are coming from out of town – some as far away as Australia, we want to make sure we have some time to spend with them before and after the wedding.  The other half of our guests are primarily local family and friends.  After inviting all of the people you care about to the wedding, is it okay to only plan pre- and post-wedding events for a select group of people?  Is it okay to exclude some and invite others?

Baffled Bride

Dear Baffled Bride,

When it comes to weddings with a large amount of out of town guests, it is completely normal to have pre- and post-wedding activities to entertain them while they’re in town.  It’s also fine to to invite only certain people to these activities, as long as you have defined guidelines for who those people are.  For example, it is totally acceptable to invite only out of town guests to your events, and to leave the local people out.  This is done regularly for weddings and most guests will completely understand that your goal is to entertain the people who do not live there and have to stay in hotels, pay for travel, etc.

If, however, you decide to invite some local people and some not, you may end up hurting feelings or causing resentment between guests.  Since your wedding is meant to be a celebration of a joyful time, this is definitely not something you’ll want to do!  Just make sure that your events either include everyone, just out of towners, just bridal party, etc.  If you decide you want some local people, etiquette states there really is no choice but to invite them all.  You may also want to mix events; for example, have one event that includes everyone and then have a collection of smaller events only for your out of town guests.  This way, everyone will feel included in something!

Good luck!