My fiancee and I are having two separate receptions due to the fact that she lives in one country and I in another.  Given geographies and differing religions we decided to have the main ceremony and reception in her country since she comes from a much larger family.  Here in the US we will have a small symbolic religious ceremony and a cocktail reception afterward as more of a “get to know the bride” type reception.

Since we will already be married when we have the US reception, I’m not sure what to have written on the invitation.  Any suggestions?

Thanks,

Wondering Wanderer

Dear Wondering Wanderer,

Lucky you!  Two weddings to plan in two different countries!  Thankfully, the wording is not very complicated in this situation.  Instead of listing your name and your fiancee’s maiden name, you’d simply list yourselves as Mr. and Mrs (insert married name here).  You’d also change the wording of what exactly you’re inviting your guests to attend.  Instead of saying “the wedding of” or “the marriage of”, you can say something like “to recognize their marriage of” or “to celebrate their marriage”.  For example:

Mr. and Mrs. Wondering Wanderer

Request the pleasure of your company

to celebrate their marriage.

Good luck and happy planning!

a

I am having a destination wedding on a beach in the tropics, and I’m trying to find some bridesmaid dresses that will make all 6 of my girls happy.  We’ve been looking for months and I’m starting to get frustrated.  I want them all to be happy with the dresses, so I’ve let them send out options on their own.  We’ve been looking at “real” bridesmaid dresses, but I prefer to get dresses from a department store so that they can be worn again.  The problem is, no one ever agrees on anything!  Three girls will love the dress, 2 will be ok with it, and one will hate it.  I don’t want to force them to wear something that any of them will hate, so until now I’ve avoided making a final decision.  However, we’re getting down to the wire and we need to find something soon.  I could just pick a dress but I fear that they’ll be upset since I made it clear that they had free reign over dress selection.  How do I keep everyone happy and still get the dresses bought?

Dress Disaster

Dear Dress Disaster,

First of all, it’s very sweet of you to try so hard to find a dress that will perfectly fit each of your bridesmaid’s likes and dislikes.  However, as you’ve seen, it’s nearly impossible to find one dress that will match 6–actually, 7 (you have to like it too!)–individual tastes.  Women come in all different shapes and sizes and style preferences are even more varied.

At this point in the game, you just need a decision made.  It’s ok to bring some kind of order to the madness that is the dress selection.  Instead of letting your bridesmaids have free reign to throw dress suggestions out at their whim, why not select a list of 10 dresses that you love.  Email all of your ‘maids and ask them to vote on their top three.  At the end of the day, you’ll have a dress that not only you are sure to like, but that the majority of your maids will like too.  You can even ask them to list their three least favorite dresses–maybe it will help you to avoid selecting one that any of them will “hate”.

Another option is to go with a “real” bridesmaid dress (although I know you were trying to avoid that).  The upside is that you can have the dresses all made in the same fabric but in different styles.  That way, each girl will be wearing something that flatters her own body shape.
Finally, be sure to check out J. Crew’s bridesmaid line.  These chic dresses are perfect for weddings but can easily double as an any-occassion dress.  Good luck!

a

I am going to a beach wedding this summer and I’ve been searching for a light, airy dress to wear for weeks.  Since white is very in style right now, I see it everywhere–and I love it.  I can’t seem to find a dress I like that ISN’T white.  So, my question is:  Is it OK if I wear white to the wedding?  What if it’s a sun dress style–not remotely bridal? What about primarily white with accent colors? Help!

Wondering About White

Dear Wondering About White:

Ahhh, the age-old question:  Can you wear white to a wedding?  My first instinct is to say no.  The bride has spent months planning her wedding, choosing a dress, and ensuring that she will sparkle and shine on her wedding day.  To detract any attention from her seems mildly disrespectful, both to her feelings and the time she spent planning the wedding.  Particularly in the case of a beach wedding, many dresses tend to be more casual, so a sundress may not look that drastically different from the wedding dress.  However, I do feel there are exceptions to this rule.  A dress that is white with accent colors most likely will not resemble a wedding gown, and therefore is ok to wear.  Use your best judgement and take the person getting married, the style of wedding and your personal style in to account–is the bride the type that wants all eyes on her?  Could the dress you’re considering double for a wedding gown?  Do you have other options available to you that would still fit your style?  If  you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are good you should not be wearing white.

In general I would err on the side of caution–this is someone you care about getting married–although white might be in style, you don’t want to wear it and risk the feelings of a friend.   There are plenty of other colors that are “in style”–have you considered gray?  Very stylish and subtle.  I remember a woman at my wedding wearing a white evening gown.  Although she wouldn’t have been mistaken for the bride, it still irked me slightly.  It seemed thoughtless, almost as though she gave no thought to the type of event she was attending–and I’m not even the type that would care that much!  As the old saying goes, better safe than sorry!   Good luck!

a

A friend of mine from college recently got engaged.  I was invited to her wedding, but because I live out of state, I’m unable to attend.  I still want to send her a gift, however, we haven’t been close for a while.  What is the appropriate amount to spend if I’m not attending the wedding and haven’t maintained a close relationships with this girl?  On the same note, what is the appropriate amount to spend if I AM attending a wedding (with a date) of a close friend?  Help!

Gift Gal

Dear Gift Gal,

What a great question!  I think this is something that almost every person has to deal with at one time or another.  Especially in these tough times, digging deep in the pockets for a wedding gift can be rough.  Therefore, it helps to know what proper etiquette states is the correct amount to spend.

Happily, the truth is that you should spend what you can afford.  There is no sense in breaking the bank if you truly can’t afford it . A gift is just that–a gift–and the bride and groom will appreciate anything you can afford to give them.  If you do want some sort of gauge, though, the rule of thumb is to try to spend as much as you think your meal would cost.  If it’s a buffet, a safe guess is around $40-$50 a person.  If it’s a served meal, I’d guess closer to $75-$100 a person.  Again, it’s okay to adjust these numbers to fit YOUR budget!

If you’re not attending the wedding but want to send a gift anyway, any amount really works.  A small token of your congratulations is welcome at any amount.  I tend to spend around $50, however, if they’re close friends I’ll spend more, if they’re more distant, I might even spend less.  You’ll be appreciated for being a thoughtful person in spite of your inability to attend the wedding.

Happy gifting!

a

I’m getting ready to send out my (beautiful!) Wedding Paper Divas invitations to my guest list.  I’m addressing my own envelopes and I’ve run in to some questions along the way.  Of them, the two that I’ve been unable to find answers for are these: When inviting an unmarried couple that lives together, how do I address the envelope?  What about an unmarried couple that doesn’t live together but is in a serious relationship?  Do they each get their own invite or one sent to one of them but addressed to both?  So confusing, help!

Confused Calligrapher

Dear Confused Calligrapher,

What a great question!  This is so common and can be very confusing, so don’t feel badly about it.  To address (ha! no pun intended!) your first question, when inviting an unmarried couple that lives together, address the envelope just as you would a married couple with different last names: alphabetically, on separate lines on the outer envelope.  So, it would look like this:

Ms. Janine Myers
Mr. Richard Stevenson

Your inner envelope would be slightly different, with both names on one line, as you see here:

Ms. Myers and Mr. Stevenson

If you are not doing an inner envelope, you’d only follow the instructions for the outer envelope, with both names on their own line.

In regards to your second question, if you are sending an invitation to an unmarried couple that live in separate households, try to find out both of their names, even if you don’t personally know them both.  It’s nice to send an invitation to both addresses if you can, with each addressed to the singular person on the outer envelope, and then addressed to both (as in the above example) on the inner envelope.  However, if you don’t know both addresses, it’s also acceptable to send an invite to one of them with both of their names on it, each on their own line, as in the above example.  Alternatively, if you can’t find the name of someone’s significant other, it’s okay to simply address the invitation in this manner:

Mr. John Doe and Guest

You can use these tips to fit your wedding style and formailty level.  And remember, you can always contact the Wedding Paper Divas customer service team with any of your invitation etiquette questions!

a

We are getting married at the end of 2009.  Since more than half of our guests are coming from out of town – some as far away as Australia, we want to make sure we have some time to spend with them before and after the wedding.  The other half of our guests are primarily local family and friends.  After inviting all of the people you care about to the wedding, is it okay to only plan pre- and post-wedding events for a select group of people?  Is it okay to exclude some and invite others?

Baffled Bride

Dear Baffled Bride,

When it comes to weddings with a large amount of out of town guests, it is completely normal to have pre- and post-wedding activities to entertain them while they’re in town.  It’s also fine to to invite only certain people to these activities, as long as you have defined guidelines for who those people are.  For example, it is totally acceptable to invite only out of town guests to your events, and to leave the local people out.  This is done regularly for weddings and most guests will completely understand that your goal is to entertain the people who do not live there and have to stay in hotels, pay for travel, etc.

If, however, you decide to invite some local people and some not, you may end up hurting feelings or causing resentment between guests.  Since your wedding is meant to be a celebration of a joyful time, this is definitely not something you’ll want to do!  Just make sure that your events either include everyone, just out of towners, just bridal party, etc.  If you decide you want some local people, etiquette states there really is no choice but to invite them all.  You may also want to mix events; for example, have one event that includes everyone and then have a collection of smaller events only for your out of town guests.  This way, everyone will feel included in something!

Good luck!

a

I have a unique problem; I hate cake!  I know that having a wedding cake is an age-old tradition, but it seems silly to spend so much on something I won’t even enjoy eating!  On the flip side, my fiance loves cake, so he, of course, wants to have one.  Would it be strange to have two types of “cakes” (perhaps a traditional wedding cake and a tower of cream puffs), or perhaps no cake at all?  I love dessert and want it to be part of my wedding day, but I also don’t want to have so much dessert that it ends up being a waste.  Help!

Dessert Diva

Dear Dessert Diva,

I’m pretty sure you’re not the first bride on earth who doesn’t like cake.  Although having (and cutting) a wedding cake is a very traditional part of the wedding, it doesn’t mean you have to have it at your wedding.  Because your wedding is just that:  yours.  The real twist in this question is that unlike you, your fiance loves cake.

The best thing here, like most situations where there are disagreements, is to compromise.  There’s nothing wrong with having two “cakes” or desserts with which you can perform the cutting ceremony.  Just make sure to downsize when you order–two small cakes instead of one large one!  It’s nice to give people a choice, plus, you’ll get to perform the cake cutting twice!

You can also have a small, traditional wedding cake for your cake-cutting ceremony and then offer an additional dessert of your choosing that will either be served to guests or put out on the dessert table.  That way, you can have your cake and eat it too!  Good luck!

a

My aunt is throwing me a bridal shower in a couple of weeks.  We’ve already sent out all the invitations and even received some responses.  Because a few of those were regrets, we now have room on the guest list to invite more people.  Is it ok if I send an invite now, even though the shower is only 2 weeks away and it might be obvious that they weren’t on our first draft guest list?  These people aren’t necessarily expecting an invitation, and might even be surprised to be invited, but I’d love to have them there.  Help!

Better Late than Never?

Dear Better Late than Never,

This can be a tricky situation, and might end up being more trouble than it’s worth.

To start, you’ll have to look at each late invitee on a case by case basis.  For example, if you were to invite someone who already knew other people that were invited to the shower in the original round, it might be very obvious that they were a late invite.  It could appear more offensive to be a B-list guest as opposed to not being invited at all.  On the other hand, if you’re inviting someone who has no ties to already-invited guests, the risk of them finding out they are a B-lister is very small.  They will probably just be pleased to receive an invitation!

You’ll also need to take the amount of time between invitation and party in to consideration.  If your shower is only 2 weeks away, your guests probably won’t receive the invitations for a few days.  That’s less than 2 weeks–pretty short notice for an invitation to any party.  That in itself could give away their B-list status.  It’s also fairly inconsiderate to guests who already have busy schedules and will have to find gifts, babysitters and more to make sure they’re ready for the party.

As you can see, sometimes adding to the guest list on short notice is more trouble than it’s worth.  If these people weren’t important enough to include from the start, chances are good you probably shouldn’t complicate things by adding them later.  Having a B-list is ok as long as there is ample time to invite them and chances are slim they’ll find out they’re second best!  When planning the wedding, having a B-list is very common because invitations are sent 6-8 weeks prior to the event, however your shower is on a short timeline.

Whatever you decide, good luck and happy planning!

a

I am having an intimate wedding (~40 guests). The guests will include family members and the bridal party. My two bridesmaids are interested in planning a bridal shower for me. I have thought of having close friends who are not invited to the wedding to the shower. I DO NOT want gifts from the shower guests. I would, however, like guests to have the option to contribute quotes, antidotes, words of wisdom, etc. during the shower.   Is it proper etiquette to invite friends to the shower who are not invited to the ceremony, even when gifts are not solicited?

Warmly,

Giftless Girl

Dear Giftless Girl,

It is totally understandable to want to keep your wedding guest list down but still be able to celebrate with everyone that is close to you.  However, regardless of whether you are asking for gifts or not, it is not proper etiquette to invite people to your wedding shower that aren’t invited to the wedding.  Regardless of your intention, it will  set the expectation that they will be invited to the wedding.  When they don’t receive an invitation, it may result in hurt feelings or people feeling offended.  Although you may request no gifts, it is doubtful that everyone will comply.  Many people actually want to buy gifts to help you start your new life.  So, although you may request it, there is no guarantee that they won’t bring gifts.

The best thing to do in this situation is to either broaden the guest list of your wedding to include everyone and cut back on other things to save money, or narrow your shower list down.  Perhaps you can think of an alternate way to celebrate with all the people that you care about.  A small house-warming party or second, casual reception after your actual wedding might be your best bet.  You can have something during the day that is low-key and low-cost! You can also choose to have an intimate ceremony with your immediate families only, and then have a larger reception afterward with everyone that you want to celebrate with.

One of the drawbacks to having an intimate wedding is that you ultimately do have to leave people out.  There is no in-between in these situations.  In the end, you either have to choose to have the intimate wedding you’ve dreamed of or have everyone you care about present.  Best of luck and congratulations on your wedding!

a

My fiance and I have been together for 5 years.  About 2 years in to our relationship, we moved in together.  Since then, we’ve invested in a lot of personal items together, from furniture to kitchen tools, dishes to bedding.  Our wedding is coming up and it’s getting close to the time when we would normally register.  Because we’ve already been living together for so long, there is very little that we need for our home.  We believe in having nice things so we’ve already bought the best knives, dishes, bedding, etc.  What we really need is cash, as we are saving for a new house and for our honeymoon.  Is it ok to list cash gifts on a shower invitation or wedding website?  Is there any way for us to ask for cash without sounding crass?

Show Me the Money

Dear Show Me the Money,

Your desire to receive cash as a wedding gift as opposed to anything physical is completely understandable.  Most newlyweds not only need “stuff” to start their new life together, but they also need a place to live and funds to travel!  While it is definitely inappropriate to list “Cash gifts” on any sort of invitation or website, there are ways that you can get the word out that you’d prefer cash gifts.

Most etiquette experts consider it tasteless to flat-out ask for cash.  Instead, they suggest getting the word out to the people closest to you (like your parents, in-laws, bridesmaids and aunts, uncles and grandparents) whom guests are likely to ask for gift recommendations from.  These people can subtly spread the word about your wish for cash.

Another option is to look in to a variety of online gift registries.  There are an abundance of different wedding registries, from mortgage registries to cash registries.  Check out GoGift for an easy-to-use cash registry, Feather Our Nest for a Mortgage registry,  and a variety of different honeymoon registries, most of which will mail you a check at the close of your registry to use as you please.  The Ultimate Gift Registry is a great all-in-one registry that allows you to register for anything from honeymoons to home goods.  They also have a soon-to-be-added cash registry option.

Remember, even if you register at a store, you can often return items for cash–Bed, Bath and Beyond and Crate & Barrel are just a few that do this.  Check each store’s return policy before you register.  Who knows, you might discover there are still some items you’d like for your home.  Good luck!

a